Late at night, a message came from Sora. "Are you awake?"
Kaito replied immediately. "I'm awake. What's up?"
"Can we talk? By phone?"
A few seconds later, the phone rang.
"Sora? Unusual for you to call at night."
Sora's voice was down. "Kaito, do you ever hate yourself?"
Kaito was surprised. "That's not like you. What happened?"
"I failed today. I hurt someone."
"Tell me more."
Sora began to talk. Apparently, she had been too harsh with a junior and made them cry.
"That must have been tough," Kaito said.
"I'm terrible. Why did I say that?"
"Wait. Can I bring Hiyori-senpai in? Let's talk, the three of us."
A few minutes later, they were on a video call.
Hiyori said gently. "Sora, can you tell us in detail?"
Sora explained the situation. A junior kept making mistakes, and she became emotional unintentionally.
"You're regretting it," Hiyori confirmed.
"Yes. I hate myself."
Kaito asked. "But isn't it unusual for Sora to be emotional?"
"That makes it worse. I should always be calm."
Hiyori said quietly. "Sora, aren't you too hard on yourself?"
"Too hard? Of course. I hurt someone."
"Hurting someone is a fact," Hiyori acknowledged. "But that doesn't completely negate your value."
Sora objected. "But I'm supposed to be good at analysis, yet I can't even control my own emotions."
Kaito laughed. "Sora, hearing that actually relieves me."
"Huh?"
"I thought you were perfect. But you're human too."
Sora fell silent.
Hiyori explained. "Sora, you're now trapped in 'should thinking.'"
"Should thinking?"
"Judging yourself by absolute standards of 'should be this way.' One of the cognitive distortions."
Kaito supplemented. "I do that too. Like 'Men shouldn't cry.'"
"Right," Hiyori nodded. "Should thinking easily creates self-hatred."
Sora thought. "I thought 'I should be calm.'"
"Why?" Hiyori asked.
"Because that's my role. Observer, analyzer."
Kaito said. "But that's a role, not all of Sora."
Sora had a realization.
Hiyori said gently. "Sora, you're identifying your role with yourself."
"Identifying?"
"'Being analytical' has become the core of Sora's identity. When you can't do that, you feel your self is collapsing."
Sora nodded. "Exactly."
Kaito asked. "But aren't humans multifaceted?"
"What do you mean?"
"Sora has an analytical side, but also an emotional side. A kind side and a strict side. All of it is Sora, right?"
Hiyori smiled. "Kaito, that's good."
"Occasionally," Kaito was embarrassed.
Sora said quietly. "But I don't want to accept the emotional me."
"Why?" Hiyori asked.
"Because it's weak. Because I can't control it."
"Is control always necessary?"
Sora pondered. "I thought it was."
Hiyori explained. "There's a concept called self-compassion."
"Compassion for oneself," Sora defined.
"Yes. Being kind to yourself. Accepting the imperfect you."
Kaito said. "If a friend made the same mistake, what would Sora say?"
Sora answered. "I'd say 'It happens to everyone' or 'It'll be fine if you apologize.'"
"Then say the same thing to yourself."
Sora started crying. "But I..."
"Sora is human too," Kaito said gently. "You don't need to be perfect."
Hiyori continued. "Failing, being emotional, those are natural as a human."
Sora sobbed. "I can't forgive myself."
"Forgiving takes time," Hiyori said. "But little by little is fine."
Kaito proposed. "First, let's apologize to the junior. Tomorrow."
Sora nodded. "Yes."
"And," Hiyori continued, "please apologize to yourself too. For being too harsh."
Sora was puzzled. "Apologize to myself?"
"In front of a mirror, try saying 'I'm sorry, it was hard.'"
Kaito laughed. "I've done that. It's weird at first, but it works."
Sora smiled a little. "I'll try."
Hiyori said quietly. "Self-hatred is also proof of having high standards."
"But those standards hurt me," Sora understood.
"Balance is important. While aiming for growth, accept who you are now."
Kaito said. "Progressivism is easier than perfectionism."
Sora asked. "Progressivism?"
"You don't have to be perfect, just get a little better - that way of thinking."
Hiyori nodded. "Growth mindset."
Sora exhaled deeply. "Thank you, both of you."
"Anytime," Kaito said.
Hiyori smiled. "There are nights when you hate yourself. But they're also opportunities for growth."
Sora looked outside. Stars twinkled in the dark sky.
"Tomorrow, I'll apologize to my junior. And I'll try being kind to myself."
"That's enough," Hiyori encouraged.
Kaito laughed. "I'm happy that Sora is human-like."
Sora laughed for the first time. "That's rude."
"But you're happy, right?"
"Yes, a little."
The three talked late into the night. Even nights of self-hatred can be overcome if you have connection.
The imperfect you. Still has value. Let's walk little by little until we can believe that.